Getting real...

I have been loving this blog a day challenge (even when I am not able to keep up with the crazy demand of sitting down and composing thoughts on paper), but thus far, I feel as though my thoughts have been somewhat shallow. More reserved? More cautious as not to offend? But tonight, it's about to get real... really real.

Since moving back to Portland, I have been busy 90% of the time. Now, let me clarify, this is a "good" busy. The kind of busy that leaves you exhausted, but knowing your time was well spent. I don't have a great many friends here in Portland, but I have enough. A perfect amount one might even say. And all this "business" has been great and long overdue. This is an important disclaimer for what I am about to talk about.

I have a significant problem not being productive with my time. As many of you know, I have one weekday off every week. And this problem is most apparent on those days. For these days the great majority of my friends are working, which leaves me with a whole heap of extra time on my hands. Occasionally, I get lucky and can spend the day with a friend (example, today I spent most of my afternoon with my lovely friend Anna and her two boys). But other days, I find it is really (REALLY) hard for me to just take time and relax. Watch mindless TV. Read a book. For whatever reason, I really struggle to just take a day for myself. Now, it's important that this not be confused as having difficulty being alone, because I am finding I actually crave alone time more now than before. This is an issue of my over achiever personality where I attain some of my self-worth from achievements. I say some, because I have worked hard to confront this issue head on the past 3-4 years. But why is it that I still find it so hard for me to enjoy my free time? Why do I get anxious when I am unable to accomplish things? I am about to transition out of academia and into a professional role where what I accomplish is less of a focus and does not necessarily dictate my success.

It's frustrating that something so insignificant such as how I spend my day of free time, can actually be correlated to the way I validate myself and determine my self-worth.

I am sure there are many more reflections to be had on the subject, but that's all I have for tonight.

Until next time...