Faith, Trust, Hope

These past few days have been ones of relying on faith and trust to get me through...  And if you know me at all, you know faith and trust are not things that come easily to me.  Last June I posted a blog about these very two things and rather than repeat all that was said, feel free to read that short blog.

The past couple of weeks, I have been really struggling with my knee.  It has been really hard to regain my range of motion, despite doing everything I was asked to do.  As if that is not enough, an area of my skin just below my knee cap did not heal and had to be debrided on Tuesday(which is basically where they cut away all dead skin and create an environment for new skin to form.  This was very gross to watch and I am thankful Camille was able to hold my hand through the process.  I will spare you the details of the procedure, but if you're interested, feel free to email me and I will fill you in.

I do not know for sure  how this has affected my rehab and if it will significantly set me back.  I am currently focused on getting my range of motion back and will feel better when my knee becomes less stiff.  That all being said, I have also been focused on trusting and relying on God, for it is clear I am in a situation that I cannot control.  I have learned that I need to have faith in the process, faith in my doctor to make the right decisions and faith in God that everything will be ok.  It is easy to spin myself into oblivion of all the possible things that could could be wrong inside my knee right now.  But that is not helpful and in fact counter productive.  So, I have to step back and trust God to get me through...

Something to think about...

"The God of the Bible seemed to be brokenhearted over the separation in our relationship and downright obsessed with mending the tear"

For what ever reason, I keep coming back to this sentence out of Searching for God Knows What.  I have read it at least 10 times since Monday and think it really speaks to where I am at with God right now.  I feel like we as humans have done enough to make the divide between us and God fairly wide without throwing in all my own garbage!

Quick post tonight, it has just been on my mind and I wanted to share it!

Relatability!

Life is all about relating to other people...

This thought came to me when my dad and I were at the Bronco's game on Sunday.  I am still wearing the immobilizer on my knee so it is hard to get anywhere quietly (or without a lot of stares).  Though I am getting used to this, it is one of the reasons why I am looking forward to being out of this brace and walking normally again.  Before I diverge too quickly, I have realized, life is all about how one relates to another.

Since my surgery, I have heard countless stories about other people's experience with knee injuries (or various other injuries: feet, toe, ankle, hip, broken arm etc).  What these people do not realize... I am not that interested in their experience on crutches, their horror story of falling down the stairs with crutches, or the drunken night that lead to them breaking their pinkie toe.  But then it occurred to me, at the end of the day, everyone is just trying to relate.

These thoughts of relating got me thinking about how I relate to my friends.  I have noticed there are certain friends that I look to for advice about specific things because I know they have experienced something similar and therefore can relate.  Other stories, are reserved for other friends.  It is interesting to stop and think about the different roles that different friends play in my life.  I appreciate this because it allows me to share my life without feeling like I am overburdening my friends.

It also seems to hold true that each of us are influenced by those whom we chose to associate with.  I have noticed this to be true by the classmates I have become the best friends with as well as the mentors who have influenced me the most.

It would also seem to make sense that this is why friends move in and out of our lives.  In high school, you are friends with a group of people who you play sports with, have classes with or live near.  In college, very few of those friends remain in your life because you have shortened the list of commonalities you once shared.  After college, you begin life in the real world (whatever that may look like) and you realize you have very little in common with the college friends that you used to club with on the weekends.  In grad school, you become so busy, you rely on your closest friends to maintain relationships.  AND, if you have made it this far in life and you are still friends with people from high school/college, they are true friends and will be around for the rest of your life.

So, when I hear another person ask me if I tore my ACL and then proceed to tell me how they tore theirs, I will just remember everyone is longing to relate and I should not impede the process.  Here are a few recent pictures of some of my oldest friends who still know me better than any other person!  Love you girls!

Ali girl

Kristen Erica

My oldest college friend- Anna

An advocate for others

What does it mean to be an advocate for someone?  What does it mean to be an advocate for yourself?  This week I have had a couple of experiences that have demonstrated how important this concept of advocacy can be.

The first example is personal.  I have a wound just below my knee that has been taking it sweet time to heal, so my surgeon sent me to another doctor to get it debrided and irrigated (which basically means they would remove the necrotic tissue to aid in the healing process of the healthy tissue).  However, the doctor I saw on Monday thought the best possible option was to perform a skin graft (which would involve another surgery to take skin from another place on my body to heal the area that is not healing on my knee).  What made me upset and frustrated was this doctor did not even touch my wound nor look at it for more than 5 seconds... he just decided a skin graft would take care of the problem.  After a few minutes of this doctor pressuring me to get the surgery scheduled, I told him I would get back to him. I left his office pissed because if I did not a medical background or been aware of invasiveness of a skin graft surgery, I probably would have signed up because I would not have known differently.  I found I had to be my own advocate that day.

The second example comes from my ethics class yesterday.  We were discussing patients with mental health disorders and after a lengthly discussion about how these patients get passed around by various health care providers, one of the members in my small group asked "what can we do for these patients"? My response was simple:  can we as members of this dysfunctional health care system, at the very least be an advocate for these patients?  Can we fight for them when they do not know how to navigate the vast mazes of referrals, specialists, insurance, etc.  As a PT, there is very little I can do for a patient with a mental health disorder (regarding treatment/diagnosis of the disorder).  But what I can do is listen.  I can be an advocate for that patient to get the attention they deserve from doctors who would rather pass them along to the next provider.

Those are just two examples that have helped me to realize how important it is to stand up for others (as well as ourselves).  I have always been a leader in school, sports, groups, etc and sadly it has just occurred to me that I can use that position to help others with basic needs that might not otherwise get met.

I think about my own experience with a person who was affected by a mental disorder.  At times, I was uncomfortable because this person was no longer the person I knew growing up.  She had all the same appearances on the outside, but inside her brain was severely misfiring.  She could not separate fantasy from reality and often said hateful things to people trying to help her.   Between the images she created in her head and the fears those created, she lived the last two years of her life a prisoner to her own brain.  Despite the love I had for this woman, it took everything within me to interact with her and by doing so, encourage the reality and discourage the fantasy.  And when she was able to separate the two, she was herself, the woman whom I always knew and loved.  She was my grandmother.

Balancing: left vs right

The past few days, I have been reading Searching for God Knows What, and it has been painfully clear that I have a problem with balance.  Meaning, I have a problem with balancing my default setting of "analytical and realistic" mode and demonstrating that of "faith like a child".  This is not a new realization and in fact has been a factor in my relationship with God all my life.

In neuroscience, we learn about the left and right sides of the brain.  The left side being responsible for language, processing language, communication etc.  The right side, is responsible for the more creative and artistic aspects of ones personality.  Though I clearly operate almost exclusively from the left side of my brain, I like to imagine that it is possible for me to use the right side.  And this is where my problem with balance occurs.

My profession requires me to balance the outputs of both sides of my brain.  I am required to sift, sort and organize information a patient gives me in a very systematic and analytical way in order to effectively treat a complex disorder or diagnosis.  Conversely, I need to be able to appropriately identify a patient's perception of their diagnosis and their own psychosocial approach to dealing with their presentation.  If I do not achieve a balance with my patients, it is likely they will not receive the best possible care I can provide them.

Then why, if I CAN do this affectively with patients, do I have such a hard time doing it in my own life?  Why is it that much harder to approach my faith and relationship with God from a balanced (or even somewhat balanced) perspective?

Searching... for??

Recently, a friend and I decided we would each try to read a book that would inspire conversations regarding our individual journeys with a fellow named God and then meet up once a week to discus our wandering thoughts.  This is quite a challenge because we are both in the PT program and barely have enough time to get through assigned readings for class, let alone read additional book(s).  Regardless, we thought it was an important endeavor to tackle, so here we go!  I chose to reread a book by one of my favorite authors, Donald Miller called Searching for God Knows What.

I am sure I will have a few blogs in the future about this book and my conversations with my dear friend, but today I wanted to just reflect on what is has been like to find my "sea legs" again after spending a fair amount of time wandering away from my devotion to God (and I think it is quite important to mention I have a relationship with God, not a religion).  There are many reasons why that is an important statement, but the most important reason I believe it to be important is because my relationship with God HAS to be dynamic, or else I am just a member of a crowd following blindly because someone else told me God was a good guy.

And it is this dynamic relationship that has left me absolutely dumbfounded because God has a way of doing things that I do not always understand.

I am not unique in the ups and downs I have experienced in my relationship with God.  In high school, I was enthralled with what it meant to seek after Him and honor His life by mimicking my own after His.  That was all well and good until I went to college and had to sort through the vast amount of "religion" and apologetics to find truth.  It was in college that I decided to make my relationship with God... personal.

And that is where I am today... still trying to be fully committed to this dynamic relationship.  It is not easy.  It requires commitment and devotion, neither of which I am particularly good at.  I decided to join a home group within the church I have been attending and I am excited to meet people outside of my program as well as spend intentional time each week in conversation regarding this dynamic relationship.  

Until next time...