Top Songs of 2010

My lovely friend Carrie has faithfully made a monthly list of songs that embody her thoughts and feelings of that particular month/week/moment.  I have thoroughly enjoyed every list of songs she has created and subsequently have been introduced to so many new artists.  I have been thinking about doing something similar because music means so much to me and plays a vital role in my life, but feel the task is somewhat daunting.  Therefore, I decided I would try to put together a list of songs that deeply impacted me this past year.  They are in no particular order and most of them, more than likely, will be those I have recently listened to the most.  I have hyperlinked each song so you can enjoy it as well.

Need You Now- Lady Antebellum (for the moments of weakness amidst the vulnerability)

Come Thou Fount- Sufjan Stevens (for when I feel my heart begin to wonder... again)

I'll Stand by You- Carrie Underwood (for remembering what we're fighting for)

Highway 20 Ride- (for the moments of my childhood I wish were not part of my story)

Take Me as I Am- Sugarland (for living with the scars, not saying I'm perfect, but promising I'm worth it)

Maybe- Ingrid Michaelson (for letting go)

American Honey- Lady Antebellum (for growing up in a small town)

Crazy Dreams- Carrie Underwood (for those long shots that dare me to dream)

Bad Romance- Lady Gaga (for playing as loud as I can when I need a moment of silence)

Hollywood is Not America- Ferras (for when I lose track of reality)

Breakeven- The Script (for the moments when I am barely breathing)

Famous in a Small Town- Miranda Lambert (for the sacred, sweet moments in Kalispell)

Cowboy Casanova- Carrie Underwood (for when I need a country song to sing at the top of my lungs)

I'd Rather Be with You- Joshua Radian (for the moments when I miss those closest to me)

Warm Whispers- Missy Higgins (for those moments when my words fail me)

Fearless- Taylor Swift (for the moments when dancing in the rain, fully clothed sounds like a good idea)

Dont Stop Believing- Glee cover (for when it would be easy to give up)

Ready to Love Again- Lady Antebellum (for living without fear)

That is just those that come to mind right off the top of my head.  Hope you enjoy!

The life that could have been

I just had one of those moments.  The kind where you see someone from you past and you are broadsided by the life you could have had, if only...  I just got an email update from a friend from long ago.  We met, very casually, when I was a freshman in college and because he lived in NE, I only saw him one other time. He liked me in the way every girl wants to be liked.  He is a great man full of love to give, I was just not the right girl.  And so, he married a girl from his college about a year ago and now they are having a baby. This is all great news because the friendship I now have with him is treasured and genuine.  But I couldnt help but have that feeling deep inside me when I read his email- that could have been me.

Now, in all likelihood, a relationship with this young man would not have progressed very far due to distance and very obvious differences in our lifestyles.  Nevertheless, it took me by surprise that just a mere series of decisions sent me on a different path- the one I am on today.  I think they make movies with plots like this: where the girl moves across the country, comes home to find her high school sweetheart is married, has three kids and a farm.

Spring Break in NYC-2007

That all being said, its baffling to me that small decisions can completely change one's course in life.  The decision to go to Concordia for undegrad instead of SPU or George Fox.  The decision to go to Univ of Colorado for grad school instead of George Washington.  Another prime example- Jen, Haley and I made the decision to spend spring break of our senior year in college in New York.  I had lived there before and so it was easy to spend a week in an amazing city with great girls (Erin and Ray joined us too- dont want to leave them out).  But, that decision to go to NYC for spring break paved the way for the decision to move there after graduation.  And, I truly believe the year I lived in the city, changed my life.

So back to the life that could have been... I have a very strange mix of emotions tonight.  One, I am extremely happy for my friend Tim and his lovely wife as they welcome their child into this world.  Two, I am surprised at the big impact those small decisions have had on my life.  And three, I am thankful for each and every decision I have made.  Some of them have been absolute disasters and I have paid big time for screwing up.  But then there are those that have lead me to where I am today... and for that I am thankful :)  Thanks to all my friends whom have helped me make those little (and big) life decisions along the way.

Here are some of the more entertaining pictures from that spring break in NYC :)

FDNY station- a little dancing (why yes, we will)

SoHo with the girls

The beautiful Raynelle!

Haley made me be the little one :)

Mary

Tonight I read the story of Jesus' birth as I often do on Christmas eve.  Without fail, every year, something new stands out to me in this 2000 year old story.  This year, it was Mary's response to God's request.

Pieta- by Michelangelo, Vatican 2008

These past four months, I have worked hard to control my response to situations rather than controlling situations that cannot be controlled.  Tonight when reading a story that I have read at least a dozen times, I was blown away by Mary's faith and trust in God's request (for a moment, try and imagine what it would be like to be hanging out and an angel appear and tell you that you will become pregnant- and deliver the Son of God to the world... completely normal, right?!).  Without hesitation, Mary said yes to God's plan for her life. And though it does not say, I wonder if Mary knew how much she would sacrifice to obey God...

History indicates that Mary was likely a teenager at the time she was approached by the Angel of the Lord detailing God's plan for her to give birth to the Savior of the world.  I shutter to imagine what my response would have been.  Especially considering the culture she was living in.  Her song which is accounted for in Luke, shows a deep understanding of God's plan as well as wisdom beyond her years.

Therefore, tonight the connection I am trying to make is quite simple.  If Mary can put her entire life plans on hold to say yes to God, then it can be done.  Mary was just an ordinary girl, whom the Lord picked because she "found favor with God".  She likely had her own set of fears and doubts.  It would not surprise me if she had second thoughts about obeying God. But, Mary answered the call so beautifully.  She said showed courage, strength and honor and made a difficult decision to follow God.

So tonight, I am praying that I can continue to obey God's plan for my life.  And accept that there are things I do not understand and may never understand this side of heaven.  I am learning to be content with the grey area in my life a little more each day.  And rest in the knowledge that it is in that gray area where God does some of his best work in my life.  I am thankful for Mary.  I am thankful for God's Son.  And I am thankful that I have a God that continues to love me in the moments where I am not courageous, do not trust and/or do not have strength.

Impersonalization

Recently, I had a birthday.  A day where we celebrate a person's life and appreciate them in various ways.  But this year, I was surprised how we, as a generation, have changed.  Allow me to explain.

Not to long ago, on your birthday, your phone would ring non-stop.  Parents, friends from home or college or random relatives that you only hear from once a year, were all calling you to wish you a happy birthday.  And the past few years, I have noticed the number of friends that elect to text or facebook message me on my birthday, greatly out number those that call.  Now, receiving all these well wishes via text is really not a problem and I am not complaining.  What I am saying is... we have impersonalized ourselves.  This year, some of my best friends left me fb messages instead of calling.  What is going on?!!?!

I feel like we are becoming more and more distant as a culture and have found the only way we can honestly express our feelings is when a computer screen (or phone) is between us and the person on the other end.  This is slightly concerning and yet seems to be becoming the norm.  I have dear friends, whom I have love to death, that prefer to have entire relationships via chat or text.  And really, that is not all that abnormal anymore.  Blogging and status updates have taken the place of coffee dates and long distance phone calls because it becomes easier to catch up on someone's life while multitasking at work or on lunch break.  Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, blackberries, iPods, iPads, iPhones, etc, they have all been created to connect people without requiring either person to open their mouths and communicate.  Fascinating... right?!

The ironic thing is, with all the social networking that has been created for our society, there is still a deep cavernous hole where people long to be known.  People long to be connected and accepted and validated.  These deep seeded emotional needs have not gone away in light of being reconnected with a high school buddy on facebook or by following Ashton Kutcher on twitter.  We still long to relate to someone else and find ourselves doing so by exchanging impersonal messages instead of calling that person or sitting across a coffee table for a heart to heart.

Since being on Christmas break, I have been able to catch up with some dear friends and have good long conversations where matters of the heart can be freely discussed.  And somewhere along the line, I realized how long it had been since I had talked to some of these friends.  It had been over months for some, weeks for others and though I remember feeling that "longing" to get in touch with these friends... I didnt.  And that left me wondering why they were not contacting me.  After-all, it is a two way street, right?!  And then I realized, they probably feel like they are in constant contact with me because they receive my blog updates directly to their inbox.  Every time I blog, it is like they get their fill of my life.  The update on what has been going on.  And yet, I feel empty because I do not hear back about their lives...

So that begs the question, do I quit blogging and resort to the traditional ways of communicating with my friends?  By picking of the phone and scrolling through my address book and calling them!?  Fascinating idea... right?!  Ugh, it makes me want to drive my head into the wall.  How have we become so passively impersonal and not noticed?  Or worse, noticed and found it too much effort to resist?  Dont get me wrong, I take full advantage of facebook and texting and find it convenient and sometimes a less threatening way of expressing my thoughts/feelings.  But recently, something has just rubbed me the wrong way and I am sick of the impersonalization our generation is creating.

Whew- I really needed to vent all of that.  Disclaimer: I had no specific person in mind when I wrote this... it is merely a reflection of my experience the past few years/months/weeks/days.  Maybe one of my resolutions this year will be to not suck at calling people :)  Because everyone loves when a best friend calls- even if its just to say hello.

Kalispell

There is one thing I know... Montana is beautiful!  I have been home for about a week and every day, the scene outside my parent's bay windows have been just short of magical.  The snow has fallen almost perfectly- that slow, fluttering snow that takes hours to reach the ground from the sky.  The sun has shown itself almost every day (and if you know anything about Kalispell, that is nearly a miracle).  The sunsets have been beautiful- an ideal mix of pinks, oranges and deep mountain purple.  We have a view of Glacier Park from the windows, which is one of the most coveted views I know of.

These views have been beautiful, but it is hard to remain inside, not being able to enjoy the scenery that I have been watching for the last seven days.  Though things are going well with my knee and healing seems to be progressing, it is so hard to be homebound.  I am trying to keep my head up and remember this will all work itself out and next year I wont even remember these feelings I have now.  But its frustrating... I want to be snow shoeing!  I want to be running around town with my mom getting ready for the holidays.  I want to be able to move from one room to the other without needing crutches.  And the very basic- I would like to be able to sleep through the night without being awoken because of pain or being uncomfortable.

I miss my brother and Lydia and other friends that cant make it home this year.  Its not the same when there is just the three of us.  Last night, I was honored to play a role in my friend Alison's engagement to Alex and I am looking forward to spending time with them over the next week.  Its been a tough few months, but I have to believe this is the beginning of being on the right side of karma :)

Fear

I recently read that the phrase "do not fear" (or some version meaning the same thing) appears 365 times in the Bible.  And yet, there are moments where I find myself completely terrified.  Correction: there are hours, days, weeks, where I find myself scared.  Afraid that something else is going to go wrong with my knee.  Terrified that decisions I have made will destroy what I have worked so hard for.  So my question is, why do we have/experience these feelings of fear?

Even though God tells us over and over again "do not be afraid", I do NOT find that phrase comforting.  And I have been thinking about it all week trying to figure why that phrase does not offer me any comfort, despite it being written over 365 times throughout the Bible.

And what I have come up with is neither philosophical or necessarily theologically based.  It is just thoughts of a girl trying to figure out life.

Faith requires trust. Right?

So, if I trust that God has everything in control and has an ultimate plan (I say ultimate plan, because I am still figuring out exactly what I think about predestination and free will, etc) for my life, then I should trust and have faith that things will work out for good (good, as in sanctification good).  And yet there is still the element of fear...

Ok, so lets take it from another angle... Hope.  To have hope in something, requires elements of trust and faith.  Allow me to explain.  The most glaring situation I am currently facing is the health of my knee.  So, if I am going to have hope that things will work out for good (again, sanctifying good), than I must put that hope in God and in order to do so, there is an element of faith and trust that God will provide me with a sense of hope... or at the very least, peace.

Conclusion... hope, faith, trust and peace are all interrelated and one does not exist without the other.  So, does one experience fear when these three (or four if we add peace) elements do not work cohesively?  Or in moments where my faith is weak, does fear grow stronger?

If anyone has another thoughts or insight to add, please do!  As I am sure I am not the only one who does not understand fear.

Scars

I am in a profession that must understand the intricacies of tissue... specifically scar tissue.  There are three phases of tissue healing (inflammation, remodeling, proliferation) and the body has perfected this process so that one stage cannot begin until the previous stage has finished.

There are two types of scars.  Those that lie on the skin, easily seen by others from the outside and those that reside on the inside, left unseen which are often the deepest.  Those scars on the inside can be emotional and spiritual in nature and do not follow the rules for healing.  The scars are often laid down in such a fashion that at a later date the scar needs to be ripped up and realigned in a more productive manner; which is often so painful it is avoided, only deepening the scar that was originally laid down.

One week ago today I added more scars to my body.  These superficial, physical scars can be seen by everyone.  In time, these scars will fade and become less obvious, but for now, they are dark red, wide and long.  These superficial ones have not come without those deeper, less noticeable scars inside.  Its been a long road... and there is no real end in site.

Ironically, I started reading the book Little Bee and in the opening chapter this quote was found:

...a scar is never ugly.  That is what the scar makers what us to think.  But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them.  We must see all scars as beauty.  Okay?  This will be our secret.  Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying.  A scar means, I survived.

And that is where this story begins.  These scars are to be seen as beautiful and those scars that have formed on the inside need to be broken down and undergo productive remodeling phases.  Cheers to a new beginning.

Site of myofascial flap graft

The skin graft