Today is Easter…
Today is the day Jesus lived his entire life for…
This is the day that all of Christianity hangs truth and certainty on…
and yet, I could not feel more unsure.
Unsure about my relationship with God. Unsure about salvation, sovereignty and sanctification.
But, if I am going to be completely honest about where my life has been the past three to four years, only one word comes to mind. Lost. I am lost in how I fit into my faith-a faith that is very personal and intimately mine. I am lost when it comes to identifying with Christianity and fellow Christians. I am lost when I attempt to apply my faith in something that I cannot see. Faith- what faith? I distinctly cannot remember the last time I put my faith in something other than myself. I can, on the other hand, attest to fulfilling my own selfish desires. There is this irony when I think about the freedom God has given me. He has allowed me to make my own choice- even when those choices hurt Him deeply.
There is this song written by Shawn McDonald that is called “Hold On” and it completely summarizes how I feel today. Each day, I find reasons to doubt my faith in God and to doubt his existence. However, every day, I am blessed in ways I do not deserve and I can only be attributed to someone/thing bigger than myself. This song is what my heart has been calling out for the past few years.
“Hold on to me, please do not let me go, cause I am prone to wander, prone to leave this faith I know, prone to leave this God I love”
Easter is a season of renewal and the celebration of life. A time where waking up to birds chirping and flowers blooming overnight signifies birth. I do not see why it should be any different in my life. I get that I am sinful, prideful and impatient. I recognize that my life is full of decisions I am not proud of… decisions that have hurt people… and have hurt myself. But, what if there was this great promise that would allow me a chance to forgive myself for those decisions? What if I could allow myself to authentically follow the God who created me? What if I could allow myself to once again fall in love with the presence of a God that has not failed me? What if I would allow myself to be known by the one person who knows me better than I know myself?
“…what am I, that I might be called Your child
What am I, that You might die, that I might live…”
2 comments:
Maybe putting a label on your faith doesn't work for you, at least at this point in your life. When you try to fit it into a box, it doesn't quite fit, and then you try another, and so on, until you begin to doubt what you have is right at all. You are so blessed to have God in your life the way he is for you, and to find so much inspiration in that spiritual relationship. You might feel lost, because there are so many people out there that don't have or understand that. I hope you are able to find how it all fits into the bigger picture, but I think it's really great that you have the faith and spiritual foundation that you do. Be proud of it!
These are good thoughts Jyn and I would be lying if I said I don't know what this feels like. For some reason I have Come thou fount playing in my head, maybe because of the title, but anyway. I would love to chat about this SOON!! Love you sooooooooo much.
Post a Comment