wanting to be more intentional...

Some days I feel like I am just passively participating in everything that is happening around me (or to me). Some days, I find that its 6pm and I dont know what happened in the last 12 hours. That is not to say I was zoned out for the last 12 hours, but lately I just dont feel like I am actively engaging in them.

Work has been busy. Patient after patient I find myself just doing enough to get through the day. I feel overwhelmed some times by the complexity of my patients and that all-encompassing realization that my 45 minutes with them will not be enough. I am realizing my inadequacies as a therapist and feeling like there are not enough hours to put towards growing in those areas.

I know that some of these feelings come with being new to the profession and working in a clinic that sees between 130-175 patients a day. Working 10 hour days was a decision I made in order to have a week day off and for the most part, it is 100% worth it. But on days when I am too exhausted to cook dinner much less make it to the gym, I question if it was worth it. Are there just seasons in life when specific aspects of it require more effort than you feel like you can give? And maybe this is just one of those seasons?

All thats to say, I miss being intentional with my time. I miss seeing it as "my time" rather than time thats taken away from me because I have to go to work or have such-and-such obligation. I miss seeing my time as an investment. An investment with a specific purpose. For those that know me, know I prefer to plan out every hour of my day because it helps me feel productive. I have tried going away from that model in the thought of "living in the moment".  But in reality, it has left me feeling like I float through my weekends or days off rather than feeling more spontaneous.

How do we live with more intention? Because this passively participation in my day-in and day-out is not satisfying...

Boston Sunrise 2011