A moment of introversion and introspection

Mount Hood!

It is hard to imagine that in the next two days, I will be wrapping up my entire experience in CO. At times, it is crazy to believe I moved here almost three years ago.  Thinking back to that time, I am reminded of how hard it was to leave Portland and yet how excited I was to begin grad school.  And now, I am faced with very similar emotions only in a reverse arrangement.

I have enjoyed my time living in CO, but wonder if my time here has reached its potential?  I think it is oddly ironic that I went through my entire grad school career dreaming of going back to Portland for one my long rotations (preferably at OHSU or Rehabilitation Institute of Oregon), that it never occurred to me that I would fall deeply in love with working at Craig.  Sure its been a crazy last 16 weeks full of not so trivial ups and downs, but when I take a step back and look at my time spent within the walls of the hospital, I just know it is my dream job (referring to the job that one finds oneself at the end of one's career- having finally "arrived").  And, I also think it is somewhat ironic that I would love working in an environment that is never black or white with very few moments of perfection (those that know me, know that I prefer being in control and am somewhat of a perfectionist).  Pathology of brain injury is what fascinates me, propels my curiosity and deeply engages the intersection of humanity and science that resides within my soul.  

Beyond that, the people of Craig, my coworkers for the last four months, inspire me to be better (corny, yes, but completely true).  The moments I spend with my patients and their families deep within the trenches, are those that I have truly treasured.  And as I sit here, trying to find the words to convey my love for what I do, I am but lost in a sea of silence.  

And I believe that is what a career should be.  

The longing to be pushed beyond excellence.  The desire to produce a quality of work that is meant to go unnoticed.  The drive to expect more from myself, despite giving it everything I have.  That is a career.  And that is what I have experienced at Craig.

So yes, it appears I am conflicted about leaving CO.  I am truly grateful for my experience here and though it was marked by undeniable hardships and difficulties, I would be amiss to say I am leaving without pieces of me left here with people I have become quite close to and shared countless hours laughing, crying and living with for the past three years.  

But isnt that what life is about?

I believe in order to truly live, one must experience a type of authenticity that leaves them vulnerable to loss.  And though I have made no decisions regarding my future, I would be doing myself a disservice not to consider what a career at Craig might look like.  

Long's Peak- The North Face

And thus I find myself at a crossroad once again. A point where I must choose a direction in which to move forward.  I cannot merely sit idle in the intersection like I have been prone to do.  And so, in these next four months, I will need to thoughtfully consider the next steps for me and be true to what I need and honest to what I want...  What I do know, is I am completely blessed to be breathing this crisp (and cold!!!) Rocky Mountain air and until decisions are made, I will strive to bask in the uncertainty of these moments.